Show Your Ass

It’s Monday! That means another edition of WWE Monday Night RAW. That also means living in fear that Boobs McMahon and the rest of creative will unleash another 9 PM hour on us. We could be faced with more large men in lingerie, a slow plodding assault with the kind of energy you find in a retirement home food fight, and a Divas match. The latter might be the worst.

Out of all the crap that was shoved down our throats last week, there was a diamond in the turd. That was Tensai. I remember the old Prince Albert, personal piercer to Test. I also remember Giant Bernard, the monster from Japanese wrestling. They both are the same guy, Tensai. Now there is a forth rendition of Matt Bloom. That happened when he showed his ass on RAW last week.

“Showing Your Ass” is a term I used when working angles or storylines that are just beyond horrible, but you find a way to get yourself over despite the turd burger you’ve been crammed into. The theory being if you just go over the top then you can somehow rise above the mess. Instead of people laughing at you, they laugh with you, because even you know what is going on is a joke. A good example of that is this match I did for a charity show in Dearborn, MI back in 2003. (Yeah I feel old now too.)

The promoters put myself and my friend Klunk into a match with untrained wrestlers, a guest ref (who had cancer and wasn’t involved in wrestling), and told us to work 20 minutes. Instead of trying to pull off a match, we put together about 7 moves and mixed them with 18 minutes of shenanigans. It isn’t the best wrestling in history, but there is a method to the madness.

The cool part is that Klunk, myself, and Badunkadunk had a lot of fun because we never gave a shit. We actually got a decent following of people who enjoyed our shtick. We never fooled ourselves in thinking we were going to be a main draw for any promotion, but we were entertaining. Again watch the match for all the little details, time wasters, and other ways we found to hide the fact that 75% of the talent involved didn’t have much (or any) training.

I used this as an example of Monday night because it isn’t my finest moment. I’m not putting that ahead of any of my Chris Sabin, Conrad Kennedy III, Nate Mattson, or Sabu stuff. Those matches were on another level. I do like to show it as a true example of showing your ass. We got over with the crowd despite being put into a turd of an angle. Just like Tensai did last week.

He showed that he is one helluva worker by taking that segment and using it to boost his character. Before last Monday, Tensai was a big guy with no charisma that did nothing to move the needle in the WWE. Now he has turned this moment into instant personality. His twitter feed this week has been classic. He also had a great match last Wednesday on WWE Main Event. I actually want to see Tensai because the concept of him on a team with Brodus Clay interests me.

The two are both monsters at the opposite ends of the spectrum. Tensai is big and mean but, until last week, had the personality of a manila folder. Brodus Clay, once a feared bodyguard to Alberto Del Rio, is the cuddly 400 pound dancing dinosaur who couldn’t intimidate a four year old child. This is what happens when peanut butter meets chocolate. It’s a good combo. Now maybe one can fill the void of the other. Tensai can get funky, and Clay can get nasty.

None of this would have happened had Tensai not shown his ass. He could have mailed in that segment. He could have gone to twitter, like Zack Ryder, and bitched about WWE misusing him. He instead took the ball and danced with it. Now I wouldn’t be surprised to see him and Clay on RAW tonight in a tag match.

The tag division is shrinking. It looks like Rhodes Scholars are done. The Prime Time Players are next on the list to be broken up. I am guessing Clay and Tensai will be the feud that splits up the two. The tag champs, Team Hell No, are headed towards splitsville too. That leaves a pretty big hole in the division. A monster team like Clay and Tensai would fill that hole pretty easily.

When you really look at it, we’ve all had to dance in lingerie to get further in life. Then again maybe my boss just does yearly reviews a little different.

Tune in tonight to see the fruits of taking a bad angle and running with it. I for one will be cheering the team of Clay and Tensai. Mostly because fat guys gotta stick together.

(Side Note: Happy Birthday to Chris Sabin. One of the best talents in the world. Hope his knee gets better as wrestling isn’t the same without him.)

Is Pro Wrestling’s Third Wheel Going Flat?

Last week I got into a Facebook debate with my longtime friend, and wrestling comrade, Shaffee about the future of Ring of Honor. For those that don’t know, He is the afternoon host on 97.9 WGRD in Grand Rapids, MI. Shaffee and I also got into the wrestling business at the same time working with the PWF in 2000 & later with the Farhat family’s AWWL in 2002.  He’s the former manager of Sabu, and has wrestled for TNA at Bound For Glory against Traci Brooks. I think most of us are more jealous of the latter.  

Shaffee made the statement that Ring of Honor would be out of business by the end of 2012. It’s a bold prediction, but one he backed up. He pointed out that the promotion’s television product has its holes. For instance, the episode he recently watched involved a moment where an ether rag was used to knock out an opponent. The rag made its way into the crowd, and ROH showed fans sniffing the rag & laughing. The crowd knew the rag was a fake, and whatever loose form of kayfabe was shattered not only to the crowd but the audiences watching at home. This was one of many points that Shaffee made. That and RoH referee Todd Sinclair was bigger than most of the wrestlers.

It made me wonder if Ring of Honor, the favorite promotion of “smart” wrestling fans, was going the way of Extreme Championship Wrestling or Smokey Mountain Wrestling. Almost a year ago RoH was purchased by Sinclair Broadcasting Group, and it looked like the promotion was ready to slide into the top three behind WWE & TNA. According to SBG, Ring of Honor would reach almost a quarter of television sets in America. Yet a year later it seems that RoH has lost some of the allure it had going into the deal.

First, the biggest news out of RoH recently has been the talent that is leaving. Kenny King, current RoH tag team champion, showed up on TNA’s Impact Wrestling last week. RoH responded with a press release claiming they had been stabbed in the back by King. Yet, it was RoH who made the bush league decision to put a title on a non-contracted wrestler. Something anyone with any business logic knows is a no-no. Now a new shoot video with Kenny King is making the rounds as he doubts the vision and direction of Ring of Honor.

On top of that is the rumors that RoH poster child Davey Richards is once again talking about retirement. Richards has been talking retirement for years, but it never helps the promotion to be in limbo with one of its top stars. The constant mention of Richards walking away from wrestling can only fuel the flames of Ring of Honor not making it to 2013.

One man shoveling dirt on the grave of RoH is former WCW announcer Mark Madden. The Pittsburgh sports talk radio host has penned a few articles about his perceived problems with Ring of Honor. Madden comments on their attendance numbers being dismal, pointing to RoH drawing less than 500 in Pittsburgh. He is the most vocal of the RoH dissenters that has shed light onto talent issues such as Richards’ perpetual retirement to become a fire fighter.

Mark also points out that Jim Cornette, one of the last hold overs from 80’s territorial wrestling, is running the promotion like a small time regional federation instead of the national entity that it should be. Madden and Shaffee both have pointed to the use of local DJs or Promoters on the RoH TV product that makes Ring of Honor seem more like the small time carnival coming to town than the #3 wrestling promotion in the world. In wrestling perception still counts for something, and Cornette’s direction of the promotion has it being perceived more as a low rent indie fed barely removed from the flea market, and less like the national wrestling promotion reaching millions of viewers weekly.

The final straw might have come when Ring of Honor cancelled their tour of the Carolinas. A traditional wrestling hot bed, the cancelling of the tour might have been out of RoH’s hands but it only stokes the fires of RoH’s doubters. With talent leaving, talent talking retirement, wrestling talking heads taking shots, and cancelled tours, the demise of Ring of Honor might be over exaggerated, but the discussion is still happening. It’s a discussion that can only hurt Ring of Honor. What fan wants to invest time into a promotion that might not be around in a few months, even if it is just rumors?

Speaking of fans, it might be their fans that are doing the most damage. Ring of Honor is the haven for “Smart” fans. The fans who believe they know more about the wrestling business than even the wrestlers or the promoters. A perfect example is the end of the recent Ring of Honor iPPV, “Best in the World”, where Kevin Steen takes a 5 minute shit on the fans. He cuts a promo that would have caused a riot in New York if done fifteen year ago. Instead as he runs down the fans they continue to cheer Steen. They’re smart fans and they’re not going to get tricked into booing for this man because they know better. Only proving they don’t know shit.

What they’re really doing is sending a confusing message to regular wrestling fans trying to watch the RoH product for the first time. Why are these fans cheering a man who is calling them a bunch of names and insulting them to their face? Because new RoH fan, Smart Wrestling fans are the dumbest fans around. They think they know best, which usually means they know nothing. In the end not going along with the show to prove something is only going to prove people like Shaffee & Mark Madden right. That being, Ring of Honor isn’t long for this world.

When your audience won’t let go of the Cult persona, neither can the promotion. This is the smart fans wrestling promotion, and nobody is going to change it. Which means when RoH tries to go national, its fan base can’t adapt to being the #3 wrestling promotion in the world. It’s the basic theory of evolution, when you can’t adapt you die. Smart wrestling fans won’t let RoH adapt. They won’t buy into Kevin Steen as the bastard trying to close down Ring of Honor, in fact they’re helping shut the door.

Ring of Honor has a lot of problems, as any company going from small business to national entity does. The biggest is their fans, and their lack to truly support the product by being wrestling fans again. Their need to prove they are smarter than the average fan only lends to smothering the promotion. It won’t be Kenny King or Davey Richards leaving that kills RoH. It won’t be Mark Madden or Shaffee doubting the promotion that will kill RoH. It won’t even be cancelled dates that does in the promotion. It will be their fans and their inability to be simply fans that will snuff out Ring of Honor. Until the real fans outnumber the smart fans, Ring of Honor will be a small fish in a big pond. And what happens to small fish in big ponds? They get eaten alive.   

Going Japanese Now!

Still on the road, but finally near a good internet connection. I will say I now know why Motel 6 always leaves the lights on, because nobody would stay here in the dark. Charles Manson thinks I'm nuts for it. Luckily for me when I found some internet I was able to read this cool article on cracked.com about how Japanese wrestling makes American wrestling look super weak. Thanks to my brother for forwarding that my way. 

I love me some Japanese wrestling. Right now I am really digging Dragon Gate USA and their high octane style of Lucha-Strong Style that mirrors their mentor, Ultimo Dragon. If you get a chance check out their USA based promotion, Dragon Gate USA. It is worth the price of admission. 

In the article it mentions one of the craziest matches in pro wrestling history, the famous fire match. Sabu used to tell me about this match all the time. It is one that literally takes years off your life (along with some skin). Besides maybe Sabu's first barbed wire match with Terry Funk in ECW, this might be the most gruesome match I have ever seen. There is a nice video below that will give you a taste of this monstrosity of match.

I hope you enjoyed that. I know they didn't. Have a happy father's day & don't do that at home. Unless you live in Japan then I guess go for it!

This Means War

Sabu is one of professional wrestling’s crazy men. He is one of the last few wrestlers who can still cause a crowd of fans to run in fear with a glance, something he learned from his uncle The Original Sheik. His body is covered in scars. He’s tough as nails, performing with multiple injuries. Once he was on the brink of starting a war between Canada and the United States. Not in wrestling, but between the actual countries. I should know I was there when it happened.

I first learned the wrestling business from the Farhat family at the turn of the millennium before the passing of the Original Sheik in early 2003. Under the Farhat’s I learned to bump, cut a promo, and build a persona in the back of the auto repair garage owned by the Sheik’s son Tom Farhat. The ring is still set up surrounded by barely legal posters & classic Sheik photos.

One of the biggest influences on me, and somebody I considered a teacher, was Sabu. He would give me tips and advice on anything I did. When I was doing color commentary for the Farhat TV he would tell me how better to get the talents over. When I was in the ring he would guide me on ring psychology, better ways to get over with crowds, and how to make the littlest things seem big. Even before he would go out for a match, if I was coming back through the curtain, he would pull me aside for a second & teach me something. It was just the way he was.

Sabu lived a few miles from my house, and I would often ride around to shows & events with him. This was always a great time to learn the ins & outs of the business. Traditionally in the car it was me, Sabu, and our friend, Shaffee. One of those times was crossing over to Canada for a show promoted by Scott D’amore.  A show we almost didn’t make.

The three of us met up at the border before crossing to pile into one car. We left my car behind in favor of Sabu’s Cadillac because it was roomy & he already had his gear packed in. The thing is after 9/11, if you’re of Arabic decent & driving, the border searches aren’t exactly random, but mandatory. So as we tried to cross into Canada, we had to pull into customs for a search of the car. Something that is always entertaining when trying to explain why grown men have suitcases full of shiny pants & rail road spikes.

These stops take a few minutes, and during the wait Sabu & Shaffee decided to have a dip to pass the time. The only problem was that Sabu left his spitter in the car. We waited outside the car, and watched the border patrols faces contort as they held up our tights. In a natural reaction to having a mouth full of tobacco, Sabu turned his head & spit. Before the tobacco hit the ground the border patrol was up in arms. The lady slammed the trunk shut & screamed at all three of us.

She told us that spitting on Canadian soil was a declaration of war. That our disrespect for their country was enough to cause a military action against the United States. Yup, Sabu had declared war on Canada on behalf of America. We were then quickly ushered into our car & forced to turn around back from America; told never to return. Yet we still had to make the show.

We made our way back to America and loaded into my car with Sabu tucked into the backseat. I. being white, drove because our chances of crossing would be better. Of course with me at the helm the only trouble we had was dealing with my driving once on the Canadian side. It took us about ten seconds to cross with me behind the wheel, because as I said those random checks ain’t that random.

The three of us made it to the show, and from what I remember it was another good BCW event. On our way back I drove again, and again we had no issues getting back over. The only issue being my driving as Sabu always commented, the only time he feared for his life in the wrestling business is when I was behind the wheel. I don’t even know if our names are on lists in Canada, but for a moment in some canucks fit of rage, Sabu almost started a war. Now that’s EXTREME!!!!