Monday Night RAW: Powerbombs and Piledrivers and Hurricanranas, Oh My!

Buckle up Dorthy, this isn’t Kansas anymore, it’s the road to WrestleMania! Lately when I have been really excited for an episode of Monday Night RAW I am usually cursing my television by 9:30. I could do the same with this episode because it had its head scratching moments. For one, this is the second Monday Night RAW in February where the WWE champion didn’t even bother to show up. And no, recap clips don’t count. Come on Dwayne, you’re better than this.

Why the WWE dusted off that old video of John Cena and JBL from when WWE went Hollywood I don’t know. I get that the Oscars were last night, but is your go to footage a few weeks before WrestleMania a video from 8 years ago. A silver lining is it did make me realize that John Cena has won 10 WWE titles in less than 8 years. CM Punk held his last reign for over a full year (Cena did have a year run, but who really talks about it. That’s sad). This means tonight’s main event is truly a battle of quality vs. quantity.

CM Punk’s two WWE title reigns are both more memorable than all 10 of John Cena’s reigns put together. The first being the infamous Vegas promo and the Chicago title win that ignited a national fever dubbed “The Summer of Punk”.  The second was a win with less fanfare but resulted in the longest title run since Hulk Hogan in the 80’s when the WWF was running wild. Both are signature achievements in the WWE history books while John’s runs as champ are mere footnotes.  He did get to make 12 rounds, so that’s special.

I could bitch about a lot but if the WWE gives me two segments like the opening and the main event, then I’ll happily shut my trap. That was probably the hottest start to Monday Night RAW in 2013. I can hate on Vince McMahon but the man is a top tier worker. Paul Heyman is no slouch either. The two are always must watch TV.

Brock and HHH stole the show with an amazing brawl and Lesnar took one hell of a hard way gash. With the WWE cutting back on blood during matches, it really stands out as something special when it happens; even if it is by accident. I think Lesnar looks scarier when his face is covered in his own blood. That dude is fierce as in if we both ended up in a jail cell together then I would just accept the fact that I’m his wife.

That opening had the place going nuts and would be hard to follow. That is why the WWE has guys like Dolph Ziggler to handle such sticky situation. Poor Dolph can’t even get a TV entrance, which is an insult cause the guy made Ryback look like a million dollars. You can tell that the months working with Punk have helped develop Ryback. He and Ziggler had a good match to get things started on RAW. I know some don’t enjoy the circus around Dolph but I think AJ and Big E add a lot to his persona. I say add more people to the mix. What is David Otunga doing?

The CM Punk promo wasn’t his best. It actually felt out of place on the show. It did serve two purposes. One is that it hyped the main event for later. That is always good, and something the WWE tends to skip over. The second is that it began his build towards believing himself a “god”. He is calling himself immortal and legendary. Who else could say that? I bet it is the same guy who is undefeated at WrestleMania. My fingers are crossed.

They inducted Donald Trump into the Hall of Fame. I think it is kind of fitting that he goes in around the same time that the WWE is doing a crazy right wing nut character. Will Trump ask Del Rio for his birth certificate? I don’t have an issue with him being the celebrity inductee. It’s in New York and Trump is a symbol of New York like rats, urine filled subways, and the Jets.

Mark Henry beats up Khali. I approve of this. It was short. It was sweet. It helped push Henry as the biggest baddest dude in the WWE. It’s simple and I like simple. Plus it keeps Khali from trying to wrestle, which benefits us all.

It looks like Jack Swagger won’t be suspended. The WWE Wellness Policy is a joke. Again I will state that this runs parallel with the McMahon life motto of, “Money over morality”. Remember kids don’t do drugs, unless you’re making us rich. In that case, roll a fatty and go make some Youtube videos with the dwarf from Lord of the Rings.

I liked the Miz TV segment. If the Dallas crowd wasn’t a total waste then that would have gotten a bigger reaction. Uncle Zeb is a great character. Jack Swagger is truly taking a back seat to him. It works because Swagger is a better second fiddle than a leader. Alberto Del Rio came off strong and held his own against Wilford Brimley (diabetes). This will pay off down the line because one of the arenas is going to have a lively crowd that will give these men the reaction they deserve. Given New York’s strong relationship with this country’s immigrant population, I would say that WrestleMania should be an interesting crowd.

They sure as hell put the duo of Zeb and Swagger on TV a lot tonight. They got a long segment, a tease on the all-important WWE app, a match with Miz, and some video promo time. I don’t mind it because this whole thing is going to take a few cracks with the bat to get established. I will say that every time I see the videos from Zeb’s basement all I can think to myself is, “Johnny Lawrence grew up and left the Cobra Kai dojo to join a militia led by Gwildor from He-Man”.

It’s Old School RAW next week. The WWE then gave us a match straight out of the 80’s with Cesaro vs. Orton. Or should I say Nikita Koloff vs. Jake “The Snake” Roberts. Another fun match as both men work really well with each other. Cesaro does what mid-card champs do and jobs to Orton. No shame it that, just wish it didn’t happen so often.

Sheamus likes movies. He makes fun of Wade Barrett. Wade gets cocky. It is a simple build to what should be a good feud. Still confused because I thought Sheamus also was feuding with the Shield. I guess he can take on four men at once. He probably will and win. It’s not a far stretch when the tag champs beat the former #1 contenders blind folded with an arm tied behind their backs. 

The Prime Time Players are finished. I don’t care if they tag together until 2020, they are finished. You can’t take a team serious that just lost to a blind folded one armed team. That is literally losing an ass kicking contest to a one legged man. Darren Young should start filling out applications at Home Depot, his future is bleak.

R-Truth and Rhodes was a backdrop to Sandow setting up a future singles match. They are getting closer to a Rhodes Scholars reunion. The announcers try to insinuate that Rhodes and Sandow are more than friends. Billy and Chuck are jealous. It should be a good low-card tag feud for both teams. Not much more I can say about this.

Dean Ambrose is clearly the breakout star of the Shield. Seth Rollins is getting better every week, and this was clearly his best promo, but Ambrose has it all. In baseball they would call him a five tool prospect. It would seem the WWE is setting up another WWE All Stars vs. The Shield match for WrestleMania. I think Orton is on that team. I would even say Chris Jericho too. Maybe Ryback is the third. All in all I am enjoying their run so far, but it could get stale unless The Shield moves beyond flavor-of-the-month six man tags.

The Miz wrestled Jack Swagger. They had a good match. Both men can bring it in the ring. Swagger and Colter are starting to gain momentum with the fans. The WWE again tries to bait the right wing media by name dropping Ann Coulter. This match established how deadly the Patriot Lock is as a finisher. The next few weeks should be interesting. I don’t see Swagger losing much going into Mania. He needs to look almost unbeatable.

John Cena did a promo. He now cuts a promo the way a 5 year old tries to tell a story. It is usually all over the place with tons of misplaced energy. His parents shouldn’t let him have sugar so late on a school night. At least he mentioned his match coming up unlike some current WWE champions had forgotten to do two weeks ago. (7 minutes without mentioning the Elimination Chamber, come on Dwayne!)

If John Cena and CM Punk want to put on matches like that then screw the Rock. He can stay home for WrestleMania. That was probably the best match Monday Night RAW has seen since Jeff Hardy vs. The Undertaker in a ladder match. I would pay to see them wrestle one more time. It is that damn good. The last ten minutes of the match was as close to perfect as I’ve seen.

I liked that they showed Cena pulling out new tricks to beat Punk. At first Punk would counter his usual move set like the double shoulder tackle. He even countered the STFU. That is when the first banned move came into play. Always fun to watch the announcers squirm when somebody uses a crippler crossface. Chris Benoit would have been proud. John Cena also debuts his Powerbomb, and I hope he keeps it in his arsenal. It looked really good.

Then CM Punk pulls his own banned move and does the Piledriver 80’s style. Word is Vince McMahon blew his top when that happened because the move has been outlawed for years. Goes to show how much Punk and Cena not only trust each other, but understand their value in the company. It’s not like they’re going to get suspended. The crowd lost it for such a basic maneuver. It is dangerous, and can cripple, but this match was the kind of match where you push the line a bit. Kudos to both men for going beyond the limit.

Again the end was classic. It’ll be hard for any Mania match to top that last ten minutes. They told an epic story that neither man’s best was going to be enough to beat the other. They went at it like Apollo and Balboa by trading haymaker type move after haymaker type move. They should issue this match at wrestling schools as a requirement for graduation.

You can criticize Cena’s hurricanrana all you want. It was sloppy, but when a man his size does that move, it is impressive just to see it. Also he should thank Punk for protecting him during the move as he kept Cena from getting lawn darted in the middle of the ring. With that performance, John Cena deserves to be going to WrestleMania; I hope the Rock remembers to show up too.

There were some holes in this week’s episode but the good by far outweighed the bad. I’ll take that every single week with a smile on my face. I’m geeked to watch Main Event and Smackdown this week. I can’t wait for next Monday.

I want to know where CM Punk is going from here. I want more of Brock vs. HHH. I want to see how Uncle Zeb and Jack Swagger continue to grow. I want to find out what the Shield will do next, and if Orton will pay for his RKO. I also want the WWE champion to appear. That is a lot of wants.
Until next week, you can't always get what you want but if you try sometimes, well you might find you get what you need. This week I wanted the Rock, the Undertaker, and Jack Swagger suspended. I must have needed CM Punk vs. John Cena. Needs are always better than wants.

Plus I got to make three different Uncle Zeb look-a-like jokes. Dude must make a killing at the carnival running the mustache rides. And I’m out…

Quazi’s Crystal Ball: The Elimination Chamber

(None of These Men Are In A Chamber Match)

We’re on the road to WrestleMania. Right now it is time for that pee break at the shady rest area with holes in the stalls known as, “The Elimination Chamber”. Normally this pay per view isn’t anything special, and just aligns the last few pieces headed into WrestleMania. This year is a bit different. The Rock is champion. The pay per view now only has one chamber match. Also John Cena has found his own Macho Man & Miss Elizabeth, and formed a Mega Powers for this generation. I’ll let you guess who Liz is and who is Savage.

Since this pay per view is sandwiched between the two biggest events on the WWE calendar, it traditionally gets lost in the shuffle. The WWE rolls out two chamber matches for the titles, the rumble winner waits to see who emerges, and the WWE sells tickets based on plunder. This edition of the Elimination Chamber PPV has a different feel to it. It feels like a real event and not a pit stop on our way to bigger and better things.

A lot of this is due to The Rock. He and CM Punk will once again headline a pay per view and make the namesake of the event part of the undercard. The Chamber match has a variety of intriguing storylines. A case can (and will) be made for all six men to challenge for the World title. The World title should be wrapping up a decent feud. Alberto Del Rio is now a full-fledged face and that means this feud has run its course. Finally, The Shield goes toe-to-toe with the WWE all-star team of John Cena, Sheamus, and Ryback (A.k.a. The Just-Us League). I don’t know who is winning, but I know which Jort wearing superhero isn’t taking the pin.

Now I’m going to crank my Vanilla Ice station on Pandora and get this preview and prediction going … A1A BEACHFRONT AVENUE!

Brodus Clay & Tensai vs. Team Rhodes Scholars – Internet Pre-Show Match

The Rhodes Scholars broke up a few weeks ago to try their hand at singles action. I don’t think they have won a match since. I don’t even think they have lasted longer than 5 minutes. Now they’re back as a tag team. I did see a funny picture over the weekend of Rhodes and Sandow at a press conference with the New Age Outlaws where they had a “Rhodes Scholars Reunion Tour” T-shirt. If that is the direction they are going with this then I am a big fan of that. I like them better as a team than as singles. They are good times on the mic and in the ring.

Tensai and Clay are the bastard child of one of the worst segments in WWE history. Tensai danced and Clay acted like a bad Saturday morning cartoon. Now they are a tag team. They are even asking the twitterverse for a new team name. I’m guessing it will be unveiled during this match. My vote goes to, “Monsters of Funk”.

This will probably be the easiest match to call during the event. There is no chance that the Rhodes Scholars derail the Funk Train before it gets out of the station. It should be a nice 8 minute match. Maybe even get the Rhodes Scholars back in the tag division. If that happens then we all win.

Winner: Clay & Tensai (and wrestling writers when the two dancing ladies touch butts)

Kaitlyn vs. Tamina Snuka – WWE Divas Title

Kaitlyn makes her first pay per view title defense. Tamina Snuka can wrestle. I’ll be in the bathroom. I am guessing this match goes on between the Chamber match and the Rock vs. Punk main event. Nothing to really preview here. If the WWE isn’t going to invest time into developing this division, then I’m not investing mine in talking about.

Winner: Kaitlyn (and my beer soaked bladder)

Antonio Cesaro vs. The Miz – WWE United States Championship

I am a big fan of Cesaro. He is so talented in the ring, and I enjoy his promos. Some knock his ability with the mic, but I laugh every time he talks. His character and persona is a fresh twist on a classic heel. He also happens to be one of the strongest wrestlers the WWE has ever had. This past Monday when he tossed The Miz around like a small child was a very cool sight to see.

Miz has been a pin ball for the WWE. He is announcing for their Main Event show. He is kind of feuding with Dolph Ziggler as Ric Flair’s protégé. He also is dropping CM Punk on his neck. This feud has been a good undercard battle, but like Del Rio & Big Show, these two need fresh fights. It has run its course and I believe Miz needs something to help develop this “New Nature Boy” gimmick.

This should be another solid bout. Cesaro can help protect Miz in the ring. Miz isn’t a slouch himself. I think this is a perfect opener for the pay per view. It should also help catapult Cesaro into a higher standing with the WWE audience. His next feud needs to be with an upper mid-card talent. I just don’t see Miz as the US champ. It seems like the title does more for Antonio. If Miz wins that would be the shocker of the night.

Winner: Antonio Cesaro (and America... ‘Merica!)

Alberto Del Rio vs. The Big Show – WWE World Championship

This is the feud that will never end. I haven’t been a fan of this for the past few weeks. It just never seems to get legs as the storyline progresses. I like both men. I think Big Show is a good cocky heel. He should because he’s the biggest meanest man alive. I also like Alberto Del Rio as a baby face. The transition is complete. The two of them together just haven’t clicked for me.

I’m assuming this feud wraps up and both men go their separate ways. Gee that is being said a lot for this pay per view. It should be a good match but they started this feud with a plunder match and are wrapping it with a traditional singles match. That is some backwards booking, but it helped achieve the new fan friendly Del Rio. I again can’t see Big Show walking out with the strap. Too many great contenders in the Chamber match for Del Rio.

Winner: Alberto Del Rio (and the male scarf industry)

The Shield vs. The Just-Us League

Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and Roman Reigns have been the best thing the WWE has done in a long, long time. They are the Nexus with better writing. They are three talented performers with each having a unique persona that sets them apart. Ambrose is the crazy mastermind with a silver tongue. Rollins comes off as the daredevil willing to do whatever to achieve his goal. Reigns is a certified nasty beast with some great charisma. The WWE has protected them with a limited amount of wrestling including never giving away matches for free on TV.

John Cena has to wait until Mania to get his title match. That means he has time to fight The Shield. He has two new buddies in Sheamus and Ryback. They are all muscle heads who can’t stand that three punks like the Shield think they can be main eventers. They don’t even have biceps on top of biceps or veins shooting out of their necks, what kind of main eventers could they be?!? It would seem that Cena and company are the symbolic glass ceiling coming for the new guys. They are the Just-Us League.

Traditionally this is where Cena crushes the Shield and uses their momentum to propel himself into WrestleMania. The Shield has been so protected that I think the WWE doesn’t want to do anything to stop their rise. I don’t see Cena taking the pin as he needs to be untarnished when facing the WWE champion in New York. I also don’t see Ryback getting beat as he continues to build a strong following. That means it looks like the ginger warrior is going to get a 3 second tan.

Winner: The Shield (and Smarks around the globe)

Chris Jericho vs. Kane vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton vs. Mark Henry vs. Jack Swagger
Elimination Chamber Match: Winner gets a World title shot at WrestleMania

This is a true crap shoot of a match up. I have no real clue who is going to walk out and face Del Rio for the title at WrestleMania. All six men have great cases for being the one to get the chance.

Bryan and Kane are still tag champs. They are headed toward a split. I don’t think either is getting a title shot because there is still more to be done with the duo. They have both been great assets for the company, but neither needs the title picture right now. I see them squaring off at Mania, possibly in a singles match for the tag titles.

Chris Jericho would be my dark horse but he seems to have unfinished business with Dolph Ziggler. Unless Ziggs cashes in the money in the bank on Del Rio, then Jericho isn’t winning. Now if Dolph does win the title from Del Rio that changes things. Jericho would be the top choice to win this thing. Right now I think the WWE is going to ride out Del Rio for a bit longer.

Jack Swagger is coming back with a vengeance. His new persona with manager Uncle Zeb is tailor made for a feud with Del Rio. He is the right wing crazy nut job that thinks immigrants are ruining this country. He’s a real American patriot. He’s Ted Nugent with a bowl cut. He needs to build this character. His shot at Del Rio is probably happening post-Mania.

Reefer Randy and Mark Henry are the true two when it comes to this match. I am fifty-fifty on both. Orton has a long history with Del Rio, and that could help sell this match up as now Del Rio is the baby face & Orton is heading toward heel status. The WWE could use this few weeks to make the turn and give Del Rio a very creditable win at WrestleMania.

Mark Henry is a beast and has come back stronger than ever. He is tearing the WWE midcard a new ass. He, like Swagger, might be too fresh to challenge for the title. His character is so established though it might not matter. I just don’t think losing at WrestleMania is going to be good for the long run. A Henry vs. Del Rio match at Summer Slam might be better.

Winner: Randy Orton (and his pot dealer… puff puff RKO!!!)

The Rock vs. CM Punk – WWE Championship – Rock Loses Title on DQ or Count Out

The Rock won the title and the WWE championship hasn’t been seen on a house show since. It also didn’t appear on an episode of RAW two week ago. Hell the champ forgot for 7 minutes during his promo this week to even mention the pay per view this Sunday. He did have a Super Bowl commercial, and three major motion pictures coming out, so that balances things out.

There is no doubt the WWE is better with The Rock in the fold. He brings casual fans back to the product. He sells tickets. He just doesn’t need the WWE title to do so. The guy sells tickets if you promote that he will be doing a cooking demo in the ring. Pancakes with The Rock would be the highest rated segment on RAW. It just stings to purists like myself that the WWE’s top title has been M.I.A. from the product for nearly three weeks. It shows that the WWE really cares more about the “E” than the “W”.

CM Punk on the other hand has been lights out since losing the title. He has carried this feud on his own. His promos are top notch. He has been tearing the house down in the ring with any talent on the roster. The Alfred to his Batman, Paul Heyman, has been on a solid run too. Add it all together and it turns this rematch into one of the biggest matches of the year. No thanks to the WWE champ.

Again the two will have a great match. I would think better than their Royal Rumble show down since Rock has gotten some ring rust off and they both have a feeling for one another now. The stipulation came out of nowhere, so that has to play a role. Also Brock Lesnar is always lurking in the wings. I think shenanigans will unfold. I just don’t see the WWE dropping the idea of Cena vs. Rock 2.

I could see Punk winning by DQ or Count Out, and the stipulation being disputed the next night on RAW. Something like Vince’s voice on the phone was doctored by Paul Heyman and HHH comes out to throw out the decision. That leads to Brock and HHH getting in each other’s faces. This would be the kick off to their WrestleMania match. That would mean the “winner” on the pay per view would be …

Winner: By Shenanigans, the NEW WWE Champion CM Punk (and house show audiences)

The only match that hasn’t made the card is an intercontinental title match for Wade Barrett. I assume his next title defense is against Bo Dallas. They might save that for the next night on RAW. It wouldn’t surprise me if they had some kind of angle during the PPV like a backstage attack during a promo.

From top to bottom this looks to be one of the best pay per view offering the WWE has had this year. The Rock being on the card makes anything look better, but there is 3 quality main event matches here. It bodes very well for the strength of this year’s WrestleMania. As a wrestling fan, I’m getting spoiled in 2013. Aside from that 9 PM hour a couple weeks ago on RAW, that still hurts.

I recommend shelling out the cash for this show. It should have a couple twists during the broadcast. Don’t do it in HD. It isn’t worth the extra 15 bucks. Use that money to get beer. It makes the Divas match more entertaining, or at least makes sure you have a reason to use the bathroom when they come out. Drunk or pissing, either way you’re a winner!