Monday Night RAW: At Least It Wasn’t 3 Hours

I’ve never been waterboarded, but after watching last night’s episode of WWE’s Monday Night Raw I believe I have a round-about understanding of it. From what I gather it makes you believe you’re drowning as you struggle against a water soaked towel that forces liquid down your throat. It is said to be a very traumatic experience. That is what watching RAW was like last night. Every minute I just felt like I was drowning as they shoved a bunch of crap down my throat, and when it was done I knew I had gone through a traumatic experience. In short, people in Gitmo have it better than wrestling fans this week.

Even the CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, and AJ storyline that has been so good felt a little off the tracks. The opening was a ten minute segment stretched to 20. The over dramatic pauses and facial expressions from Punk & AJ were almost too much. I found myself yelling at the TV, “Just say it”. I don’t mind the AJ proposal. It fits her crazy chick character. I even liked the Daniel Bryan proposal, because it fits his do anything to become champ character. I didn’t like that CM Punk, Mr. Pipe bombs on the mic, couldn’t tell AJ no for two hours. The man who verbally ripped apart the company a year ago starting the summer of punk gets tongue tied by a wedding proposal from the nut job. It was a good idea for the night, but was poorly executed.

Besides the tag match in the middle of the show, each match was quick. It felt like the old 80’s WWF when you would watch wrestling on Saturday mornings and each match was a star versus a jobber. Unless my memory is faulty I believe Jack Swagger is a former ECW and World champion but now he is a door mat for anyone. For a guy who can bring it in the ring, he really has pissed off the wrong people backstage.

The same goes for Drew McIntyre. He was once Vince McMahon’s golden boy. Then shit hit the fan and he is fodder for the dancing funkasaurus. I knocked Ring of Honor yesterday for looking like a small time carnival act, but when the kids get in the ring to dance with Brodus Clay it looks like an indie moment. I am surprised more fans don’t jump the rail after watching all the kids get in the ring. I guess it sells more T-shirts, or makes kids drag their parents to the events. You know what else does that? Good storylines & great wrestling. I guess taking the easy way is the WWE way.

I get that Heath Slater is living a dream working with all these legends. He is getting tons of TV time each week. People are starting to take notice of his character. He also did just get beat by a man who held the title in the 70’s; that’s four decades ago. He literally got his ass handed to him by his grandpa. Don’t get me wrong. I have tons of respect for Bob Backlund, but was I the only one who saw him coming to the ring in his blue trunks and thought about an old man in his tighty whities screaming for kids to get off his lawn?

Also what does it say about Sin Cara, who just beat Heath Slater, that Grandpa Backlund can beat Slater in twenty seconds, while Sin Cara takes 4-5 minutes. Unless this leads to some kind of resurrection storyline of Slater getting humbled and then building himself back up over a couple of months, then what is the payoff? He is getting noticed, but only as the guy getting beat by people who won’t be back on RAW at any point. Jack Swagger & Drew McIntyre have room on their jobber cycle built for three when you’re done Slater.

You know one thing I did enjoy; the new spark between Vickie Guerrero and Tensai. The tag match was just a showcase to remind people there is a second ladder match this weekend at the PPV. It also helped Tensai get his heat back by crushing both Christian & Kidd. After, when Guerrero was staring down Tensai like a new piece of meat, it clicked. Vickie needs Tensai to freshen her up, and Tensai needs Vickie to get him over. How great of a feud will Tensai and Dolph Ziggler be? They both can go in the ring, and it is the perfect storm to turn Dolph face. This must have been the part where they took the drenched towel off my mouth to let me breathe.

It didn’t last long as the unwritten tag team rules got thrown out the window. I get you want Big Show to be a beast and destroy everyone. I get that John Cena is Superman and he will always come out on top. I get you want the tag match to be a no contest. I don’t get how Big Show pulling John Cena off of Jericho is a DQ. When does breaking up a pin attempt ever lead to a DQ? Now whenever it happens in a tag match I’ll wonder, why isn’t that a DQ? Again it’s logic. It might not get under most people’s skin, but come on creative, stop being lazy. Write a decent finish. Hell, just have Show grab a ladder and destroy everyone during the match. It’s sloppy booking, but it’s at least logical.

Speaking of tag team matches, why don’t the Prime Time Players get a tag title shot at the PPV? Why are Hunico and Camacho getting a shot, even if on the pre-show? I guess being #1 contenders isn’t what it used to be. Does nobody care about being champs anymore? Last week Gail Kim used her lawyers to get out of a title match on TNA, and now AW is letting another tag team wrestle for the gold before his clients. Why even have the belts if they mean so little?

The end of the show tag match, damn there were a lot of hodgepodge tag matches. Like I said last week, it has become the WWE creative crutch. This match was all angle driven. I enjoyed the tip of the cap by Punk and Bryan to Sonnen & Silva. The missed spinning back fist followed up by a Bryan knee to Punk’s chest made me pop. The end was a retread of this storyline. She kisses both men last week, she slaps both men this week.

I for one would have rather seen a double kick to the balls. It would have popped the crowd, and the visual of AJ “yessing” standing over both men as they squirm on the mat grabbing their jewels would have been another strong closing visual. This feud is in cruise control going into the PPV, which should be looked at as a good thing, because this week creative was shooting themselves in the foot left & right. Staying course through choppy booking might be a blessing in disguise.

Finally, and I almost blocked this out, was the whole RAW Anonymous General Manager. Not only did we have to be victims of another show of Michael Cole being more character than announcer, but then the payoff was the drizzling shits. Yes it did put closure on a storyline, but was it needed? It was one of the worst stories in WWE history, and just when we forgot about it, we had to relive it. Then on top of that it ends up being Hornswaggle.

There is nothing redeeming about this at all. It wasted time that could have been put toward the matches that got cut short. It could have been another former RAW GM that people wanted to see. It could have been left in the deep dark forgotten realms of the WWE where things like ICP & Katie Vick live. Jerry Lawler should be ashamed he let himself get involved in this crap. Andy Kaufman is spinning in his grave knowing he is six degrees of separation from this abortion.

If this is what we have in store for us when Monday Night RAW goes to 3 hours then God have mercy on us all. I’ll tune in every week because I still believe that good wrestling will return. I’ll crawl through the miles of crap in hopes that a few moments will shine bright. Yet after shows like this, I struggle to not put the towel over my head & drown myself, because RAW isn’t WAR, its torture.